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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My dad.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Well well well…
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?