So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Jogging
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together