I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
You Might Also Like
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Mhm.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*