[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I love art.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
A roof is a house hat.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.