Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
You Might Also Like
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.