[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.