My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏