“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
my nickname in college
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.