*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one