If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Optional boss fight.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Yes, but it was never about money
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.