My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Yoga Matt
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”