Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
🙂🐾
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”