Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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These work great until they don’t.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.