Ape together strong
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me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Tuesday
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream