*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
he looks great for his age
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them