I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
You Might Also Like
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
THIS HEADLINE
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Oops I deleted….
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.