Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.