Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
This is my cat’s medicine.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
choose your fighter
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t