Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone