Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Sunday
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political