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(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
🙁
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive