Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
no one ever comes back
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.