[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My kitchen overserved me.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.