A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I am yelling
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?