Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.