*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
You Might Also Like
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Remember folks 😂
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”