God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Living the best life.. 😊
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer