Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying