Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.