[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
You Might Also Like
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant