Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now