At Walmart during the holidays like..
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When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Lmbo
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.