The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please