No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Lmbo
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
finally found a reasonable question
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.