What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Cats (2019)
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that