If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to