i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
You can’t outrun your problems…
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.