Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
tourist season
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”