I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.