Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time