If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Barbie gone wild
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?