One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
the greatest twitter interaction
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
pat pat
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”