Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
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Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped