Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.