Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”