Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
there has never been a better use of this meme
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.