Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.