If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
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*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Friday night party time 🥳
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…