I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
good morning
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.