To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
translated into Canadian
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Employees must applaud the planets.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Bill is short for Billiam
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops